Wow. Disclaimer: I found this post in my drafts while refreshing my memory about my blog now that I’ve returned to writing. This was written last summer. Over seven months ago. Some of it is still true to me, some things are different, but I do still think it’s worth publishing. If not anything else, at least it’s interesting to look back. Maybe some of you can relate to some of the things I wrote back then? Here’s the text:
I have struggled with anxiety for most of my teenage years. I remember when I was like 16 and thought: “Oh my god, I have been struggling with this for two whole years!”. I am now 20 and still not “better”, so that feeling of “Oh my god” has gotten a lot worse (or stronger, don’t really know which word I prefer).
My anxiety is kind of “on-and-off” if that’s a way to put it? I won’t go into details of why or such, maybe in another post down the road. Most of the time I’m not sure why. Obviously sometimes relationships play a part, but often I really have no clue where my anxiety comes from. Clearly I am not happy, so I’m not shocked by the anxiety, but for example once this summer I got anxiety at my desk at work. Like proper bad anxiety. Thankfully I could somewhat control it, (after years of practice at school, etc) but it was definitely full on anxiety, even with physical symtoms as well. And that definitely surprised me.
I don’t know why this year has felt particularly hard. It came with a lot of changes so I guess there’s that. This is for sure the year my life has changed the most so far. The pressure has also been tougher on me this year with school, work, money, friends… It has not been easy. Cause even in an “easy” year I would have anxiety, no doubt. But all the shit that’s been thrown my way this year has been pretty damaging.
I understand that with these words I write I seem like a very miserable person. I want you to understand that I am still not that. I have gotten so many great things (blessings, some might say) this year. At the end of the day I am thankful. My life is pretty good. But that is also a huge reason why my anxiety feels like absolute shit. Cause I feel like I don’t need it. WHY do I have to feel anxious when I have so many blessings? I often think it makes zero sense.
Over half of this year, and last fall too, feels pretty much wasted on anxiety. Maybe not all the time, but definitely this spring with my broken leg, and then this summer when I’ve just been very anxious and unproductive. I want this last almost-half of the year to be an uphill battle. And I don’t mean in the way where it’s going to be tough. I mean that I want to get to the top of that hill, and come out strong and “better”.
I realize that it doesn’t take only six months to change everything, and/or to cure anxiety. But I also heard something interesting the other day, that really resonated with me. I was watching the documentary “Tony Robbins: I am not your guru”, which I highly recommend! I put his name in the title, because even though I’m only briefly mentioning him, I really find him to be a genius and think you should check him out (especially the documentary on Netflix). He said that we often hear people say “It took ten months to make the change” (for example). But what we don’t often realize is that everything in our life happens in a moment. “I do, It’s over, I feel better”, all those realizations, those life-changing moments, happen in just that – a moment. Obviously it’s a process getting there, but you will get there, and realizing you’ve gotten there will happen in an instance. I am hopeful that I will get to one of those moments with time. It just sucks to wait. But I’m going to work really hard at it. I will keep you posted when I feel like it.
x
theoceansyoumade 